


Resentment

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Early Work, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-09
Updated: 2002-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:40:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi





	Resentment

Resentment

"Sean. Oh, God, Sean." Elijah moaned, wrapping both arms around Sean's head and pulling him into Elijah's neck. He sighed deeply, feeling both their sweat -soaked bodies shuddering with the explosive climax they had just achieved. Sean nuzzled his neck, still moving his body against Elijah's, trying to make the moment of anguished completion last as long as he could.

"Baby." Sean gasped. "Oh, God, baby, that was heaven. Pure heaven." He leaned down to kiss the hair at Elijah's brow. It was as wet with sweat as their bodies, and Sean smiled as he turned onto his side. Not being pressed together allowed the air of the room to caress their skin, cooling them off, helping them relax. Sean turned again until he was flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

Elijah turned on his side and leaned over him on one elbow. His fingers moved in gentle, random patterns across Sean's chest. "Let's take a shower together and go to sleep in the other bed." He suggested, leaning forward to touch Sean's lips with a soft kiss. "It's all made up with clean sheets while this one could use some work." He laughed at the sweaty, rumpled bed beneath them.

"Can't do it, baby." Sean murmured. "I mean, I'm going to take the shower. But I can't stay. I have to go. . ." he stopped himself just short of adding 'home', but he knew Elijah hated hearing that, so he brought himself up short. Elijah wanted him to think of *here* as his home. Here. Where they were together.

Elijah was silent. But it was a silence that Sean didn't like. He knew what lay behind it, and he sighed.

"Sean." Elijah's soft voice suddenly pleaded. "Please stay with me. It's so late now that it won't really matter anyway if you don't go... there. Please let me sleep with you tonight."

"Lij, it WILL matter!" Sean dreaded having this kind of conversation with him. There was no point to it, and all it did was leave them both frustrated and upset.

"Look." he said softly, turning toward Elijah and drawing his fingertips down Elijah's cheek. "It's like this. I'm there when she gets up in the morning, even if I'm just sprawled in the den, then she can pretend to believe I was there all night. Or at least most of it." He grabbed Elijah's hand in his. "But if I wander in while they're having breakfast . . ." he let the sentence go unfinished, hoping Elijah would understand what he was trying to say.

Elijah sighed and pulled his hand out of Sean's grasp. He got out of bed, threw his jeans on, and wandered into the living room. After a moment Sean followed him. "Hey," he said softly, wrapping his arms around Elijah from behind. "If you want to take that shower with me you'd better come now."

Elijah shook his head. "No. No, Sean. You go ahead. I'll take one later, after you leave."

Sean opened his mouth as if to argue with him, but stopped. He padded back into the bedroom and, after grabbing his clothes, moved toward the bathroom. He wasn't happy about Elijah's reaction, but there wasn't much he could do about it now. He had to get somewhat cleaned up and get home. It  
was already 3 AM and the clock was ticking.

As he showered, Sean thought about Elijah's request and how much he wished that he could grant it. He never let Elijah know how deeply he yearned to spend the whole night here holding Elijah close to him. He understood the longing to have the one you loved near you all night, bodies pressed together, drinking in each other's scent, each other's breath.

And beyond that, Sean understood Elijah's longing to possess him. To have it be HIM that Sean slept with, woke up with, clung to all night. He understood it, but he couldn't permit it. Things were bad enough. And that was the problem, Sean decided. He'd never really told Elijah the way things were now  
at his house and in his marriage. Maybe he should.

Sean dressed quickly and wandered back out to the living room, buttoning his shirt. Elijah was sitting at the bar, drinking orange juice and Sean grabbed his glass and lifted it to his lips to drink. Then he sat it down and pulled Elijah into his arms. "I'm sorry, baby." He whispered. "Truly I am."

Elijah shook his head and stepped away from Sean's embrace. "I should go to England and hang out with Orli for awhile." He looked at Sean. "This is just too damned hard. Watching you walk out the door, knowing you're going off to be with someone else. Do you know what that does to me?"

Sean lowered his head. This was the LAST thing he needed at 3:24 AM. "Elijah," he said quietly. "PLEASE don't do this to me."

"To YOU?" Elijah said, his voice reaching toward those 'upset' upper registers. "Right now I'm not thinking about you. I'm thinking about me and how used I feel every time we do this scene!"

Sean gasped and took a step back as though he'd been struck. "USED?" he said, his voice breaking. "You feel . . . used?" The last word was nearly a sob and he spun quickly on his heel, moving toward the door.

He was almost there when he heard Elijah scream his name. "SEAN! Oh god, NO! Please, wait! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!" Sean heard Elijah's feet running toward him, and for a split second was tempted to simply walk through the door and leave. But he couldn't do it.

Instead he turned and caught Elijah in his arms as he flew to Sean with a look of pure terror on his face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Elijah moaned, clinging to him, kissing his face again and again. " O god, I'm a fool. A stupid, greedy fool. Oh baby, please just go. I know you have to. Just say you forgive me and go."

Sean stroked his hair gently and rocked Elijah in his arms, feeling his body trembling. "Shhh, baby. Hush." He pulled Elijah to the couch and they both sat down. Sean rocked him for another long moment and then tipped his face up so he could see into his eyes.

Blue eyes gone dark with pain. Biting his lip. Body quaking with fear. Sean took it all in and sighed. Then he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed.

Elijah stared at him, clueless as to who he could be calling at this hour. When Sean spoke, Elijah was astounded.

"Mac? It's me." Sean said, clearly speaking to his younger brother. "I know what time it is, buddy. I'm sorry. I need a huge favor and no questions asked." A moment of silence. 'No. Everyone's OK. Everyone except me."

More silence. "Just do this. Call Chris first thing tomorrow and tell her that I'm with you. Tell her that we got shit-faced drunk and that I'm still passed out at your house. Tell her that you're going to bring me home later on. And for CHRIST'S sake don't let her come after me!" Another long moment of  
silence. "Yeah. I know. I'll call you later on. OK. Thanks, buddy." Silence and a bit lip. "I love you too." He hung up.

"OK" he said to Elijah. "You've got me." He put the cell phone away and leaned his head back against the couch, feeling dizzy. "How much have I lied in the past few months?" Sean thought. "As much as in my whole life up until then."

"Jesus." He said sadly. "I feel like the worst piece of shit who ever lived."

Elijah stared at him. His trembling stopped. Now all that was left was the fear. And the guilt. "Sean." He whispered. "Go home. Call Mac back and tell him to forget it. Go home."

Sean looked at him. "Shut up, Elijah." He said quietly, but with no room at all for argument. "Just. . . please . . . shut up."

They sat together on the couch for a long moment in silence. Then Sean turned to him. Elijah said nothing but his eyes were wide with fright and Sean shook his head. "Look at you." He said softly. "Looking at me as though you're scared to death of me." He reached out to caress Elijah's cheek softly. "And look at me." He said, his voice filled with so much sorrow that Elijah winced. "I've turned into everything I used to hate."

Sean heard Elijah gasp and saw his hands go up to cover his face, but he was so exhausted that he couldn't even reach for him. After a moment he stood up and grabbed Elijah's hand. "Come on," he said, pulling him in the direction of the other bed. The one with clean sheets. They both stumbled to its edge and removed their clothes with numb hands.

Elijah dove under the covers, pulling them nearly over his head, and when Sean got into bed and turned to reach for him, he had to laugh. "Come here!" He said, tugging on the blankets to find him. "Don't go hiding from me after I moved heaven and earth to be with you." He captured Elijah's face between his two palms and pulled him forward until their lips touched softly.

Elijah lowered his head to Sean's chest and gently kissed the hard, warm muscles. "I'm sorry." He breathed. "I don't blame you if you never want to see me again after tonight."

Sean gave an exasperated sigh. "Stop that!" He shook his head. "God damn it, Elijah! What did I just say?" He forced Elijah's head up to look into his eyes. "How the fuck do you arrive at: ' I don't blame you if you never want to see me again after tonight.' from a starting place of: 'I moved heaven and earth to be with you? We have to get some things straight, baby, and we have to do it tonight. I've put this off for too long already and things have gone from bad to worse."

Elijah looked at him, his eyes still big with fright. He knew he'd gone too far in the things he'd said to Sean, and he was terrified that he had stupidly damaged the relationship that meant more to him than his life.

"Do you know how much I lie now?" Sean asked him quietly. "Not a day goes by that I don't lie to someone about something." He shook his head. "God, I hate it." He look at Elijah and saw his face twist with pain. "I never used to lie." Sean said softly. "Prided myself on being an honest person." He shook his head. "But this situation with you and I . . ." he looked at Elijah again. "I have to lie, simply to protect us." He shrugged. "Or to protect other people's feelings. Keep them from knowing about us." He  
sighed. "The lie has become the lesser of the two evils."

Elijah said nothing. He reached his hand up and touched Sean's hair gently. He didn't try to argue with Sean or talk him out of his feelings. He didn't cry or cling. He could tell this was a meaningful moment for Sean. That saying these things was critical for him, and for their relationship. Suddenly Elijah found a quiet center inside himself. A place of strength and calm. A place of maturity and understanding that he might not have found for many, many years if it had not been for Sean's need for him tonight.

"God, I'm sorry, Sean." He said quietly. "I know that has to be awful for you. You're an honest, decent guy. Living against your nature like that has to damn near kill you."

Sean nodded. "Yeah, it does."

"Sean," Elijah said gently. "Do you want to stop seeing me for awhile?"

Sean looked down at him and half-smiled. "Scares you to ask that doesn't it."

"Tonight it does." Elijah said softly. "But if it's what you need. . . I won't make it hard for you."

Surprised, Sean leaned down to kiss him. Then he shook his head. "No. That's not what I want. I want you to understand how things are for me now. I've kept too much from you. I want you to know."

Elijah nodded. "Go on." He whispered. "Tell me the rest."

"Do you have any idea what it's like at my house now?" Sean asked quietly. "You talk about me going there as though you think I'm headed off to some kind of love nest. Like all she and I do is sit around and snuggle. As though I never give you a thought." He shook his head sadly. "That's not what it's like."

He looked down at Elijah and reached to gently stroke his cheek. He was surprised by Elijah's silence. By how composed he was. Surprised and grateful. It made the telling easier.

"I never stop thinking about you." Sean told him quietly. "Never. Never stop wanting you near me. Never stop being sad when you're not near me."' He shook his head. "And that doesn't exactly make it easy to live there with her." He sighed.

"No matter what we're doing, where we are, where we're going, I only feel one thing towards her . . ." Sean said gazing over Elijah's head into space. ". . . and that's resentment." He absently ran his fingers up and down Elijah's arm. "No matter what she says, no matter what she does, I resent her. If she mentions your name, no matter how innocently, I'm angry. If we're in the car and a song comes on that means something to you and I, I want to reach out and punch her because she's . . . not . . . you."

"I try not to show it." Sean said softy. "I try not to act it." His fingers on Elijah's arm hesitated for a moment, then moved again. "But she feels it." He sighed. "She's no dummy. She's smart. She's insightful. And," he said ruefully. "she knows me pretty damn well."

Elijah still said nothing but his heart was breaking. He had no idea that things in Sean's marriage had reached this point. He knew how devastating it had to be for Sean to live like this. Elijah felt wave after wave of horrific guilt wash over him, but he said nothing. This was not the time to ask Sean  
for comfort. He reached out and grasped the fingers that were slowly stroking his arm and lifted them to his lips, kissing them gently.

"And at those times when I want to be with you, or when you want me to be with you for some reason and she tries to stop me from leaving. . ." Sean lowered his head and Elijah thought for a moment that he was going to cry. But he didn't. He raised his head again, his face a mask of sorrow. ". . . I  
hate her." Sean finished between clenched teeth. "I absolutely fucking hate her."

Elijah gasped. He never would have believed he'd hear Sean say such things. Couldn't believe it even yet.

Sean laid his palm against Elijah's face, pulling him forward gently with curved fingers. "All she is to me now" he whispered, "is a huge, unyielding wall that stands between me and what I want and need. Between me and you." His lips brushed against Elijah's. 'Between me and you." He whispered again.

Elijah sighed against Sean's lips. It was a struggle not to break down and cry. A struggle for Sean too, Elijah knew. His voice was level as he spoke to Elijah and his eyes were dry. But he bit his lip constantly and as he stroked Elijah's arm his fingers trembled. "She's not the only one who knows you pretty damned well." Elijah thought. He laid his palm against Sean's face in a mute gesture of love and support.

Sean turned his face and kissed the hand that rested so trustingly against his cheek. "I have to do something," He murmured. "and I have to do it soon. It's beginning to affect Ally, and it's not fair to any of us."

"Don't worry about me." Elijah said quietly. "You do what you have to do so that you can like yourself again, and be at peace again. Whatever it takes . . . you do it, Sean."

Sean stared down at Elijah and for the first time since this painful conversation began his eyes filled with tears. Elijah's face was totally composed, eyes steadily gazing into Sean's. "You mean that don't you."  
Sean said softly. "You really do mean that."

"Yes." Elijah said in a clear voice. "I do mean it. I'd rather never see you again and know you were happy and at peace than have your life be like this because I'm in it." He shook his head. "Seanie," he murmured, his voice breaking, "please forgive me for doing this to you."

Sean pulled him close and leaned down to kiss him gently. "Baby, this isn't happening because you're in my life. I was unhappy way before "Lord of the Rings"." He shook his head. "Oh, I had a big smile on my face a lot of the time. But I also spent a lot of time curled up in a ball with a headset on simply to avoid dealing with my own unhappiness."

"What do you think you'll do?" Elijah asked him quietly. Sean knew that he was afraid. Afraid that his solution would be to end their relationship. In spite of Elijah's brave words, Sean knew he was terrified that Sean would eventually leave him.

Sean pulled Elijah's head down onto his shoulder and snuggled him. His leg wound around Elijah's legs and drew them even closer together. Elijah's hands were on Sean's chest. He curled into Sean's body like a small animal seeking shelter and safety.

"Listen to me." Sean said in his ear. "Because the is the truth of my heart." Elijah's breath caught in a quiet sob then he quickly got himself under control and nodded his head. Sean smiled down at him. "I will never leave you." Elijah looked up into his eyes. "Never." Sean said quietly.

Elijah's head went down and his face pressed into Sean's chest. He didn't cry, but it was clear from his trembling body and shaking breath that he was tremendously affected by Sean's words. For a long moment he did nothing except press his face against Sean's skin. Then he lifted his head. "Thank  
you." He breathed.

Sean was quiet for a moment, his hands softly stroking Elijah's back. Then he smiled into his eyes. "Thank YOU." He murmured. "For giving me someone I can't bear to lose."

He leaned down to kiss him. "But something has to happen soon, Lij." he said quietly. "I can't go on like this any longer."

"What?" Elijah asked him.

"Well, since I can't bear to leave you," Sean said grimly, his face a study in sorrow, "seems as though I'll have to leave her."

Elijah's mouth fell open and he pulled back from their embrace. "You're kidding." He said staring up at Sean with wide eyes. "You can't really mean it. She'd never let you go."

Sean laughed. "You have an exaggerated opinion of my popularity over there. Believe me. She'll let me go." He shrugged. "Given how things have been the past few months, she's probably dying to let me go." He sighed deeply. "I'm going to talk to her about it as soon as I get home today."

Elijah's eyes were still wide with disbelief. "No." he said quietly. "It'll never happen. It won't happen."

Sean looked at him. Elijah was trembling as though he were freezing. His head was shaking again and again. No. No. No. He looked up at Sean. "It won't happen," he whispered.

Sean ran his hands over Elijah's collarbone and shoulders and down his arms. "Baby," he murmured. "Shhh. It's OK." He pulled Elijah close to his body and rocked him slightly. "Lij, baby," he whispered. "It WILL happen. It's going to happen." He leaned back to look into Elijah's eyes. "So if you don't want me you had better speak up now so I can start looking for an apartment."

He turned and gazed at the far wall, his eyes nearly gray in the dim light. "My marriage is over," he murmured in a voice aching with sadness. "Over. I've been avoiding this. Realizing this. But I can't lie to myself anymore. It's over. The only thing that's left is deciding who gets what and when are my visiting days." Then he turned back to look into Elijah's eyes. "So don't say it isn't going to happen. It IS going to happen. And it's going to happen today."

Elijah stared at Sean for a long time without saying a word. His face was blank and Sean had no idea what was on his mind. "Baby, what is it?" he asked gently. "If you don't want us to live together we don't have to." Elijah's eyes got wide and he shook his head again. Then, suddenly, his hands went in front of his face. He pulled away from Sean and sat upright in the bed.

"Lijah!" Sean cried, sitting up too and pulling on Elijah's wrists. "God, please tell me what's wrong! Do you not want to live with me?"

Elijah turned and threw his arms around Sean's neck. "I've never wanted anything so much in my life!" he choked out. "It just hit me, that's all. After all the years of never thinking it would happen, and being so lonely for you most of the time, and seeing you with her and feeling so bad, and hating myself for even wanting you... then you just announce that we're going to live together as though it were the most normal thing on earth?"

Sean had begun to smile about halfway through Elijah's rambling speech. He understood. It had just been too much. Too overwhelming. And it was the middle of the night, and they'd been arguing, and neither of them had slept for nearly 24 hours. He rocked Elijah slowly until his tense body relaxed.

"Look," he murmured against Elijah's ear. "just lie here in my arms and go to sleep. After we've slept, we can talk it all through. I want you to be happy."

"Sean," Elijah whispered, "if you meant it about us being together, then I'll be happier than you've ever seen me be.

The lay quietly in each other's arms for a long time. Suddenly Elijah sat up. He looked down at Sean who stared back at him, puzzled. "What's wrong?" he murmured.

"I want a promise from you. I want it right here and right now because I'm not going to be able to sleep until I get it."

Sean nodded. "OK." he said quietly. "What's the promise?"

"I want your word. I want you to swear by everything you love and care about that you will NEVER let things get to that place with you and I. That you will NEVER stay when you'd rather go. That you'll NEVER love someone else but stick with me out of some sense of . . . of duty or guilt." Sean looked at him steadily. There was no doubt that Elijah was deadly serious about this. And he was right.

"Yeah." Sean said with a sigh. "That's worse than leaving isn't it."

"Jesus, yes!" Elijah said, grabbing Sean's hand. "God, Sean. If you ever went away it would shatter my heart. I believe I'd grieve for the rest of my life." He looked down at their joined hands and bit his lip. Then he quickly looked up into Sean's eyes. "But even THAT would be better than what you described feeling for Chris." He clutched Sean's hand tighter. "I've felt so jealous of her." Elijah said softly. "But now. . . God. I just feel sorry for her."

Elijah's eyes were dark. Lack of sleep and the stress of arguing with Sean had left the usually translucent skin beneath them looking grainy and bruised. He was trembling with exhaustion. But he still clung to Sean's hand. "Promise me." He said quietly. "Promise me now."

Sean nodded and looked up into Elijah's eyes. "I promise. I'll never let it get like that with us." He thought for a moment. "What I really need to promise is this: I promise I'll never lie to you." He shook his head sadly. "That's what causes the damage. The lies."

Elijah leaned down and kissed Sean's lips. "Thank you." He whispered. Sean shook his head and pulled Elijah back down beside him. He drew Elijah's head to his shoulder and pressed his body hard against Sean's. He sighed, wondering whether he'd ever be able to like himself again. Or trust himself. He softly kissed the top of Elijah's head and pressed it hard against his cheek. Time enough later on to assess the damage done. And god knows there will be damage. "All I can hope for is to minimize it and do as little harm as possible." Sean thought. "And that's just what I intend to do.

Tomorrow was going to be a brutal day. He would call Mac first thing and stop him from calling Chris with Sean's made-up story. Then he'd go . . . home? Was it 'home' now? Sean sighed. He'd tell Chris where he'd been tonight and what he felt for the young man he held so tightly in his arms. She already knew, Sean was sure of this. But it would be good to say it. It would be good to tell the truth. It would be good to drain the poison of lies from his spirit no matter what the consequences of telling the truth might be.

He stroked Elijah's hair. It would be good to be friends with Chris again. Oh, Sean knew that wouldn't happen right away. But she was fair and evenhanded at heart. He knew that eventually she'd wish him and Elijah well.

What was he going to tell Ally? Chris had already twitted him because he'd always prided himself on the fact that he told his daughter everything. Kept nothing from her. But this? How to explain himself and Elijah to a 4 year old.

Sean shrugged. He loved Elijah. And that's exactly what he'd tell Ally. She loved Elijah too so maybe she'd see this as fairly normal. He'd never discussed his and Chris's sex life with his daughter. In Sean's mind there was no reason to think she'd be any more entitled to know about his sex life with Elijah. The fact that they loved was all that was relevant anyway.

Sean heard Elijah's breath catch in his throat. Even asleep, the strain of this day was reaching him and Sean snuggled him closer. He loved the feeling of their naked bodies pressed together. Not for any sexual reason; the gladness this contact brought him didn't draw heat into his groin. He loved being able to be this vulnerable and open with Elijah.

To Sean, the nakedness of his body and the nakedness of his soul and mind were one in the same. To expose one, he had to be able to expose the other. He loved the trust he felt in Elijah. He loved knowing he would be deeply cherished, no matter how open and honest he was about himself. Elijah embraced this nakedness with as much joy and acceptance and he did Sean's physical nakedness.

He leaned down to kiss the top of Elijah's head again, feeling sleep finally beginning to catch up with him. Finally, this day was over.

When Elijah woke the next morning his first thought was to reach for Sean. But no warm body shared the bed with him. Sean was gone. But on his pillow was a note that Elijah read eagerly:

"Hey, babe. Didn't want to wake you. I've gone to tell her the things I have to tell her. I don't expect it'll be easy and I don't expect to be back real soon. This is going to take some talking through and I don't want to leave while she's upset. Seems only fair to let her have her say. YOU need to get up, take a shower, and look for a place with three bedrooms. I'll call you later. I love you. Sean."

It still didn't seem possible that this was happening. After all the years of longing and hopelessness. But Elijah believed Sean. He got up and headed for the shower, singing. No matter how long it took, the next time he saw Sean they would be together. REALLY together. Really together for the first time. No matter how long it took.. Elijah was happy to wait. This... this was worth waiting for.


End file.
